Wednesday, December 13, 2006

Out with the old...


Well, the new year is almost upon us. 2006 has had its share of ups and downs; joys and disappointments. But a few things really stuck out this year; particularly the things that just annoyed the Hades out of me. So without further ado, here are the top 50 things I hope NOT to see again in 2007 (in no particular order):

1. Ann Coulter
If she wasn’t so much of heartless Jezebel, I’d listen to some of her points more often. But since she’s a political witch, I wouldn’t be mad if somebody sent her to Salem.

2. “Rev.” Fred Phelps
The author of the ridiculous claim that “God Hates Fags” is clearly covering up for the fact that he’s gay.

3. Mo’Nique
Unless you like loud mouthed, sassy, intellectually offensive, poster children for celebrating obesity, somebody should pull her microphone out and turn the cameras away from her.

4. Prussian Blue
I continue to be amazed that a racist, teeny bopper group can make it mainstream. Between their racist tone and their…uh…tone deaf tone, I think I’ll hang myself if they’re still around. One more dead black guy. Score one for the racists.

5. Myspace.com
I’d have a better chance at exchanging thoughtful conversation if I talked to my plant. Besides, if myspace.com finally went down the tubes, maybe the secretary in our office would finally get some work done.

6. BET
You already know why I hate BET and most of the “artists” it promotes. Do I really have to go into detail?

7. American Idol
Honestly, this show isn’t really all that bad. OK, yes it is. But at least I get entertained during the horrible auditions. But seriously: getting singing suggestions from these judges is like getting tutored in English by George W. Bush.

8. The Bowl Championship Series (BCS)
For you college football fans out there, I think you’ll agree with that it’s high time to get rid of the BCS and adopt a playoff system. If a loss of income is feared by the colleges, the schools should receive rankings/seeds and get paid accordingly. I’m still trippin’ that the BCS chose measly Florida over Michigan. Riiiight.

9. Destiny’s Child
Can we please strip them of their celebrity status before they make up more silly words that get put in the Dictionary?

10. Fox News
Dick Cheney shoots someone and all they can do is spin the story to blast Liberals, gays, Muslims, and anyone else who ‘tears down traditional family values’.

11. “Director’s cut” and “Limited Edition” DVDs.
It’s bad enough that the shows/movies that I actually love haven’t made it do DVD yet (or, if they have, they’re expensive as hades). But when they come out with the “Final, super duper, can’t-miss-the-bonuses, golden deluxe, ultimate version” of the DVD's you do have, the copy you own just doesn’t seem that impressive.

12. Dakota Fanning
I don’t know why America decided to adopt her; but can we please stop putting her in every movie? If I'm not mistaken, didn't she manage to make an appearance in Casablanca as Humphrey Bogart’s lost daughter?

13. The NBA Dress Code
From Ben Wallce’s headband controversy to the no-collarless-shirt rule, I’m sick of this silly dress code. How hypocritical is it for the NBA to shun the very urban culture that is making them a fortune? If I wanted to pay money to see professionals wearing suits, I’d visit Wall Street. Of course, after the Pistons/Pacers brawl, what better way is there to improve the NBA’s image that with a dress code, right?!

14. Celebrity Marriages
For people who are interested in protecting the “sanctity of marriage”, how about we start with lame-brained celebs who get married to advance their careers, get hitched in Vegas, refuse to lose their individual identity to become man and wife, and then break up two months later.

15. IPOD carrying accessories
IPOD socks. IPOD gloves. IPOD sleeve holders. I’m sorry; but when your IPOD is more snuggled than the guy sleeping in the New York alley, we should reexamine some things.

16. Flavor of Love
If you need to follow the adventures of an old, feeble man with a host of young and ditzy eye candy, read Playboy.

17. Cedric the Entertainer
Can I return him to the store? He's defective merchandise.

18. Desperate Housewives
After Sex in the City finally got Herpes and died, I thought we were free from shows about sexually promiscuous women. Boy was I wrong. Women, please do me a favor: stop equating “empowerment” to acting like (fill in the blank).

18. Paris Hilton
Sadly, since some people actually like ‘her’ book and ‘her’ CD, she probably won’t go away any time soon. I guess this is what happens when you can pay somebody to write a book and produce a CD while slapping your name on it. I remember a time when a person was celebrity based on their own talent and worth; not based on something their daddy could buy for them.

19. Hannity & Colmes
Sean Hannity is a overpowering, pompous, right-wing jerk and Alan Colmes is a weak, left-winged pushover. Since it’s named “Hannity & Colmes, it’s pretty appropriate that Colmes seems to get owned every week.

20. The Black-eyed peas
When they first broke into the industry, I enjoyed their free-spirited approach. Now it just annoys me. These guys have sold out more than the Playstation 3. By the way; Fergie, I wouldn’t go around bragging about having humps. Maybe you wanna get that checked out. It could be cancerous.

21. M. Knight Shamalyan
Opposite of a fine wine, this director and his movies seem to get worse with age.

22. America’s Next Top Model
As if it’s not bad enough that this show perpetuates America’s warped definition of pencil-thin “beauty”; the idiotic judges (who use every ridiculous hyperbole in the book to describe the models) makes me want to throw my TV out the window.

23. Cell phone contracts
I had to learn – the hard way – these ball and chain, expensive-as-Hades contracts can be deadly. They get even worse when you add somebody else to your plan. Lesson learned; in the Cingular Zone.

24. E! Entertainment
The only thing worse than the shallow, empty, and vacuous world of the celebrity is devoting a TV station to the legion of followers, reporters, and commentators who do nothing but talk about the shallow, empty and vacuous world of the celebrity.

25. 50 Cent
While I give him kudos for calling Oprah out, I’m laughing at his attempts to maintain his thuggish street cred. I can’t think of a better way to destroy your ‘gangsta’ legacy than by coming out with your own vitamin water.

26. Scientology
As if the other man-made religious weren’t bad enough, L. Ron Hubbard had to be born. Poor Katie and Suri; cursed to be headed by a man whose life has been defined by jumping up and down on talk show host’s furniture and throwing away incredibly lucrative career to join a cult who believes in galactic emperors and spaceships. But I suppose it’s not as ridiculous as any other religion.

27. Ashlee Simpson
I really love the song “Pieces of Me”. Now, if I only knew who I should give the credit to (maybe it’s the same person who did Paris Hilton’s album).

28. Extreme Makeover: Home Edition
Maybe I’m just being heartless, but this show is starting to get ridiculous. Building a million dollar dream home for a family (who, by the way, didn’t have a net value of a tenth of that amount) seems to be a lousy waste of resources. If your home was whisked away in a hurricane, I’m sure you wouldn’t get bent out of shape if your new home didn’t have an indoor pool in the guest room.

29. Kanye West
At one point I thought that he was going to be the righteous artist that hip hop needed. But after his second album and the pseudo-intellectual messages he’s making, now I think he needs to get his jaws wired shut again.

30. Bill O’Reilly
To this guy “fair and balanced” means that it’s fair for him to ambush people and to balance out their rationale with his overpowering yelling.

31. Hurricane season
Contrary to my predictions for 2006, hurricane season wasn’t that bad this year. I pray that this continues for ’07.

32. Nancy Grace
Nothing about her is graceful; except maybe her exit from televison.

33. Survivor
Out of all the reality shows I despise, this one ranks as one of the most hated. After being on the air for over a decade, in a controlled environment where – oddly – no one has suffered from so much from a paper cut, I wonder if the winner is really a “survivor”. I think the next season should take place live from Baghdad.

34. World Series of Poker
Maybe I’m old-fashioned, but I always thought that the sports channels were supposed to air…well…sports. Since when does a card game that you play while sitting on your butt, eating Cheetos, and smoking cigars count as an athletic competition? Calling it “The World Series of…” doesn’t make is a sport.

35. George Dubya Bush
You know, I take that back. I’ve enjoyed Bush’s tenure in the White House. It’s been one of the best laughs I’ve gotten since Fat Albert.

36. Nicole Ritchie:
I’m sorry. But if your clothing weighs more than you, it’s time to pack it up. She’s once. Twice. Three times less of a lady.

37. Missing white women
Unless you’re JonBenet Ramsey, Natalee Holloway, or Lacy Peterson, don’t count on getting coverage in the media if you go missing. The only solution for you women who plan on going missing in 2007 is to dye your hair blond before you get kidnapped.

38. Oprah Winfrey
Once she finally decides to buy another multi-million dollar something and bleach her skin, I think that the handful of blacks who haven’t already divorced her will so do pretty soon. Maybe at that point, she’ll just phase herself out and retire.

39. Anti-smoking ads
Did you know that these ads are sponsored by tobacco companies in an effort to avoid civil liability? I’ve got a better way for them to do it: STOP MAKING CIGARETTES!

40. Anna Nicole Smith
Whenever the courts are faced with an inheritance lawsuit between an uptight, Conservative snobby son and a gold-digging wife; and I side with the Conservative, something is wrong.

41. Brittney Spears and Kevin Federline
Aside from Paris Hilton, can the media zero in on bigger, less talented hacks than these nuts?

42. Dancing with the stars
This show deals with two things that I really despise: dancing and ‘stars’. Put them together and I’m throwing my TV out the window again.

43. Violent cartoons
It annoys me that cartoons can’t rely on their sheer wit and humor nowadays. Instead, they have to resort to violence to get a cheap laugh. Not the “anvil falls on my head and I’m back in the next scene still trying to get the Road Runner” type of violence. I’m talking about the let’s kill people, cut their heads off and blow them up for humor type of violence.

44. Erectile dysfunction medication
If you’re having a hard time getting aroused, do what most other low self-esteemed men do to compensate: buy a Corvette. While pharmaceutical companies are trying to fix stuff, how about the fix cancer and AIDS? You may not be able to lay as many women down by the fire, but at least you'll still be alive.

45. Carlos Mencia
Who ever thought that the “Mind of Mencia” could be so…well…mindless?

46. Support ribbons
From AIDS, to the soliders, to Iraq, I’m getting annoyed by these silly ribbons. However, I’ve got the best ribbon ever on my office door which reads “Support the troops (or whatever is trendy)”

47. The Simpsons
OK. This show was fun after the first hundred years. But since it has LONG since jumped the shark, I think that a burial at sea would be pretty appropriate.

48. OJ Simpson and the Brown/Goldman families
Which one is worst: A killer who is trying to get rich from his deeds or victims’ families who are trying to get rich from his deeds? This is one is anybody’s guess.

49. Lifetime
Airing movies about abused wives, missing children, and anorexic teens is enough to make any woman lose her mind.

50. Tyra Banks
Whoever established the stereotype that supermodels weren’t all that sharp apparently got it right for once.

**Notables include**
Everybody in the Bush administration, the Olsen Twins, Lindsay Lohan, country music television, Puffy, Saturday Night Live, Dr. Phil, Wheel of Fortune, Cynthia McKinney, HDTV, Republicans, snow, UPN, poverty, rappers, the National Hockey League, Chris Matthews, crazy ex-girlfriends and their crazy mothers, Kim Jong Il, any Peter Jackson movies that aren't Lord of the Rings, Al Sharpton/Jesse Jackson, and junk mail.

I know. I know. This is all wishful thinking. But a guy can have hope, right?!

- ACL

22 "Insiders" spoke their mind. Join in...:

JoslynD AKA JD said...

51. Andre's pessimism

:) Love ya MAAAAN!

By the way, you know that I disagree with some of these but the most hurtful: Simpsons!

True, they aren't NEARLY as funny as they used to be and they did indeed "jump the shark" but a burial at sea? C'mon, Man! For all the GOOD years they gave us, we owe them more than that!

This post was most assumsing :)

JJM said...

Dre, my man...you got issues. But I gotta admit this was pretty funny. I think I agree with most of these. I guess that makes me just as pessimistic.

Kim said...

Andre,

stop hatin' on Oprah!!!!!! When's the last time you fed a village in Africa?

Will Luongo said...

American Idol truly is an awful show, but all three of the judges have substantial experience and credibility in the profesional music community... well... ok. Had credibility before doing AI.

Also, Ashley Simpson co-wrote that album, which explains the ever deep and witty lyrics. Real professionals wrote the music.

I will join you in praying that Rev Phelps comes out of the closet soon though.

Will Luongo said...

And I hate oprah. Is that ok for me to say? lol

The H.C. said...

I don't hate Oprah. I admire anyone who can make it as far as she has. This post really made me laugh. But I agree, Dre, you got's some issues. Cuttin' on the Simpson's? I hope poor Homer didn't replace Mahmoud Ahmadinejad who didn't even make the list.

Cynthia said...

I for one love this list! But I cant see how Wilmer Vilder...whatever his name is didn't make this list.

Here's some cash moooney from your homo. I mean homie. What a homosexual!

Andre said...

@ JD: "Pessimism, when you get used to it, is just as agreeable as optimism."

- Arnold Bennett

When it comes to the Simpsons; sometimes when you have an old dog limping on his hind legs, you gotta take him out back and shoot him. Put him out of his misery...

@ JJM: J, you're the last one to talk. Do I have to remind you of the DAYS at a time we spent complaining about some of this stuff? If I'm the king of pessimism, you're my queen.

@ Kim: Oprah fed a village? Ohhh! So that's how she lost weight. Ha!

@ Will: My point. I like Simon (his brutal but much needed honesty). But Randy's "Dude, maaan, yo dawg" thing and Paula's "There, there baby. You can cry on my shoulder" thing is getting a bit tired.

Never mind who wrote Ashlee's songs. The big question is: who sang them?

@ Will, part II: It's wrong to hate anybody. But it's quite alright to dislike people. I do.

@ HC: I don't hate Oprah either. I just don't like her. I especially hate how people try to put her face on Black America just because she does some good and has a whole bunch of money. True she does more positive stuff than me; but I make $31,850 a year and I have rent to pay. She (along with other flaunting black celebs people worship) spend that on their dog's collar. It's sorta hard to marvel at donating $40 million to a school when you spend that same amount paying for a staff retreat. That's what I think anyway...

By the way, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is a jerk. But most of these 'insane' leaders are following suit with how America bullied its way into being a world superpower. Everything points back to our questionable history.

@ Cynthina: Good call. I can't believe I forgot him. He's the most annoying of them all. Maybe my brain systematically blocked him out. But, leave it up to you to bring him back up. Now I have to go BACK to my therapist so that she can remove him from my memory AGAIN. Thanks Cyn.

The H.C. said...

True Dre,
But you can't justify bad behavior with more bad behavior. If one man rapes another man's sister, then that man gets revenge by raping his sister, aren't they both rapists? This is the see-saw that helps evil flourish.

Will Luongo said...

About AI: But that wasn't what you said in your original article. That I totally agree with.

Ok, so I was hyperbolating a little with the hating of Oprah as a person, but the Oprah phenomenon is something that I strongly dislike for sure. It really seems to prove that people watch tv to find out what they should think.

Ashley Simpson does sing them herself, they are just fixed by pitch correction and computer plug-ins. I have both and they work quite nicely. :)

Andre said...

Of course you can't correct/justify a wrong by doing a wrong. But my point is: while the US is perched on top of its lofty mountain (that they had to kill Indians, enslave Blacks, oppress non-Christians, and create Fox News for), its hypocritical for to vilify somebody who poses a threat to our nation's superiority.

Andre said...

@ Will: I'm with you on the Oprah phenomenon. But it cuts across most celebrities. That's why I can't stand them...or the legions of followers they mesmorize.

If you've got that digital stuff, I'd like to get down on it. I've been planning on coming out with a hit rap song "Lick it like a naw' lata (Now & Later candy for people not familiar with hip hop vernacular).

I need to get rich soon. Maybe you can help.

The H.C. said...

Hypocritical? NO, Hypocracy is when it's right for you but wrong for others. I think most everyone (except David Duke) understands that what we (white, Christian, Americans) did in the past was wrong. I don't tell my kids to make the same mistakes that I did (like drugs or racial hating) so I won't be a hypocrite. You learn from your past mistakes. The fact that I now understand them to be wrong gives me the right to condemn them. If I didn't, I would be justifying their bad behavior and my own.

"kel" said...

Funny post, Contrell, but I must ask, can you name 50 things that you WANT to see again? Hmmmmm?

btw, how dare you talk about M. Night?

Andre said...

You see, Hipster. I'm not just talking about atrocites of the past. I'm talking about sh*t that goes on today.

For every homophobic piece of legislation that passes, for every racist "No Child Left Behind" act that is created, for every innocent-civilian-killing smart bomb that is dropped to "spread peace and democracy", America is inching itself more and more off of that moral high ground we put ourselves on.

When people like Chavez, Castro, and Ahmadinejad come around, they expose the hypocrisy of the U.S. It's just too bad that they all happen to be madmen themselves...

The H.C. said...

Ahhh, I'm just enjoying my first debate with Andre in a long time. O.k. You've won this round my America-bashing nemesis, but only because I'm having a hard time typing with this flag wrapped around me. That and because you at least admitted they are madmen. I still enjoyed the debate though. Thanks, I've got to actually go to work now.

Andre said...

If that flag of yours is stopping you from carrying on, do what I do: burn it off. Hee Hee >:}

*Looks around the corner for secret federal agents*

I've gotta get back to work too. Some white guys with black suits and earpieces headed this way...

Anonymous said...

I'm glad that all your secretary does is play on myspace. God forgive someone who isn't as smart as you. Actually, you should just stare at her boobies. That's all she's good for, isn't it?

Andre said...

Excuse me everyone. Can I have your attention?

Let's all stop for a moment to commend Mr. (or Ms.) Anonymous for his (or her) stirring and witty quip. If you want to point and laugh at him (or her) instead, far be it for me to hate.

Thank you for the sharp, cutting and...well...anonymous remark.

Andre said...

"God forgive someone who isn't as smart as you."

Wow! I am pretty smart, huh? Thank you for pointing that out. Sometimes I need to be reminded...

KC said...

I'm with you on about 75% of your list. But, if any other ladies around read your Oprah comments, that would've got you cut, dawg. People follow Oprah like a religion around here.

Will Luongo said...

I've got a whole recording thing down Andre. Let me know when you want to do it.

in fact, if you want to hear me and a couple of friends messing around and rapping, go to derbserv.offthatopmusic.com. I'm herbity derbity derbitration.