Equilibrium
I've been having an absolutely shitty month (sorry for the profanity, but it gives dimension to how I've been feeling lately). I hate grad school (though I'm toughing it out), my health has been a little suspect, I've dealt with some other pressing issues (and did a lousy job of 'dealing' with them, let me tell you), etc. I kept asking myself "Will things ever get better for me?"
Last night, they did.
I got a call from a close friend last night. Given the strange and difficult climate that I've been in lately, it was really good to hear her voice. During our conversation, we played a little catch-up (we really hadn't spoken to each other in about six months). She's doing very well. She's happily married, gainfully employed (maybe now would be a good time to ask for that $7 she owes me), and will be having her first child; already named Serena; this month. In fact, she was calling me because of baby Serena. More specifically, she asked me to be her little girl's Godfather! I'll admit: I've never really thought that non-biological roles (i.e. Godparents) made much sense. But, once she asked me, I was incredibly elated and humbled. We've been through a lot together over the years so -- to me -- her request was almost a validation of sorts.
** Moment of digression **
This is all especially exciting for me because I'm also going to be an uncle for the first time this month! My little brother and his girlfriend are having their first child. An uncle and a Godfather?! I can just feel my wallet burning now...
** End of digression **
After we ended our conservation, a few less-than-happy thoughts jumped into my head; which quickly extinguished my excitement. As I mentioned in a previous post, what would've happened if I had never given up on her? Would I be in a different place in my life? Would I be in a happier place? Would I be celebrating the birth of my own Serena?
Every once in a while, I think that we all find our gem. But how many of us fail to find the real value in that gem until it's too late?
Not too long ago, I was watching an interesting episode of the Twilight Zone. In this story, a man and woman -- both living highly stressful lives -- found themselves in their own modern-day Garden of Eden; a beautiful home in paradise. But, they couldn't resist the temptation of reverting back to their former lives; their stressful jobs; their past friends/family, etc. Because of which, they wound up back in their old lives with no memory of each other or their experience in paradise.
My story is somewhat similar. I had an opportunity to land the perfect girl. She's unbelievable beautiful, incredibly intelligent, successful, modest, God-fearing (!!!), and has always accepted me. As an added bonus, not only does she play video games, but she can completely annihilate me in Madden '06 (this isn't a diss on my gaming skills. I'm pretty good. She just happens to be much, much, much better...) But, I was too unwilling to let go of my past for her. The end result was her moving on to bigger and better things and me staying here facing the difficulties of breaking away from my past; and doing it alone. Unlike the Twilight Zone episode, however, I have a reminder of my failure; baby Serena. Looking at her will be a reminder of what I could have had if I wasn't so misguided.
Now, am I implying that my life with this girl would have been perfect? Of course not. I'm sure that she and her husband have their own problems (one of the reasons why I will never, ever, ever, tell her about my blog). But, would my life had been different if I took the road less traveled? I believe so.
Baby Serena is yet another example of how up and down life can be. I'm going to be a Godfather on the one hand, but I'm also going to forever be reminded of how I totally dropped the ball on a true shot at happiness.
Stupid equilibrium...
- ACL






























