Wednesday, August 02, 2006

Burning questions

For all you religious folks out there, I have few burning questions for you:

1) When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord (Lev 1:9). The problem is the neighbors. They claim the odor bothers them. Should I kill them?

2) For dads who would like to sell their daughters into slavery (Exodus 21:7), what do you think would be a fair asking price in today's economy?

3) I know that I can't come in contact with a woman while she's on her period. She's unclean. (Lev 15:19-28). The problem is: how do I tell her that?

4) Lev. 25:44 states that I can own slaves as long as they're purchased from neighboring countries. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. If he can own Mexicans, why can't I own Canadians? What's wrong with Canadians?

5) I know a guy whose job requires him to work on the Sundays. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Should I hang him, stab him, or stone him?

6) Since eating shellfish is an abomination (Lev 11:10), does that mean I'm going to Hell for eating shrimp scampi?

7) Lev 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I'm too short, injured, with a hutchback, poor vision, facial blemishes or jack up testicles. If I read this correctly, does that mean that only Brad Pitt can go to the altar?

8) I saw a sweet tattoo that I wanted to get. But Lev 19:28 explicitly tells me I can't. Should I do it anyway?

9) When I went to the barber shop last week, I saw a bunch of dudes getting their hair cut. Some of them were also getting their beards and moustaches trimmed up a bit. But, this is expressly forbidden by Lev 19:27. That being said, how should I kill them?

10) Any person who acts like a psychic must be put to death (Lev 20:27). Should we kill Ms. Cleo (or did her career already beat us to it)?

11) I know that, according to Lev 11:6-8, touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean. Does that mean that anyone who has ever eaten Jimmy Dean is filthy?

12) I met a guy at our city's farmer's market selling tomatoes, corn, and potatoes that he grew on his farm. According to Lev 19:19; he's in violation since he's not allowed to plant more than one type of crop in the same field. I also noticed that he was wearing a shirt with a cotton/polyester blend. Do I really have to go through the trouble of stoning him? Wouldn't it be more fun to just burn him to death like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)

If you can take a moment from your Bible-carrying, cross-wearing, sinner bashing, 'good ole family values' promoting, God Bless America singing, sanctimonious, holier-than-thou day to help me out on some of these, I'd really appreciate it. Thanks!

- ACL

24 "Insiders" spoke their mind. Join in...:

JD said...

Uh....

?

JD said...

HE HE


Those laws were applied a long tiiiime ago. A real long tiiiiime ago. Before '94.

Andre said...

I'm getting the sense that this is gonna be your new calling card...

green eyed girl on planet earth said...

:-0









































































































;0)

JD said...

Andre,
Correct me if I'm wrong (and I don't think that I am cause I just got done talking to you) but I think that you're trying to talk about how some things that were done Bibically were directly related to the period/time/people of THAT day and doesn't nessecarily apply to today?

If so, I totally agree. A lot of the laws that were mandated in the Old Testement were to protect the health of the people AND more importantly, were mandated prior to Jesus' birth/death/ressurection.

I try to get people to see it al the time: WHEN JESUS CAME AND DIED ON THE CROSS, HE CHANGED A LOT OF STUFF!!!

thehc said...

Hey Andre,
I have a short story for you, maybe it will help. (no monkeys I promise) After the recent tsunami hit Sri Lanka, I was watching a discovery channel special on a small tribe of very isolated people who were hit by the resulting tidal surge. Since they were primative fishermen and their village was right on the shoreline, the scientist who studied them was very worried that they had all parished. To his suprise, not one of them died. When he questioned them on how they knew to flee, the tribal leader explained that their religion had taught them that the ocean and land are always fighting over their borders, so when the water retreated they knew a great battle was to take place over the borders, so they fled to high ground. He also said they had never seen a tsunami before. I guess my point is, some lessons in religion are put there to protect people from things that they don't understand. The harsh penalties are there to make sure they comply even if they don't know why. Everything has to be put in it's proper time frame for it to make sense. (which is why it makes no sense now.) I hope that helps. Also, I heard a good quote for you. "The opposite of faith is not doubt, all faith has some doubt."

monique said...

I will have to agree with jd on this one. A lot of the laws were changed. Some of the laws that were in the old testement are not practiced in the new testement.

Your post made for a great read though, but Andre, I must ask, were you bored when you wrote this or did you really want some legitimate answers :)

Andre said...

@ Greeny: You said a mouthful. :)

@ JD: You hit it. It's a sad reality that many Christians lose sight of (or completely ignore altogether) the importance of the New Testament as the BASIS for Christianity. Concepts like love, forgiveness, tolerance, and acceptance are all lost when we're dealing with religious folks (especially in powerful and dominate places like the church and in government). Rather than concentrate on Jesus' message of love which extends throughout generations, they concentrate on RULES that applied to a certain culture at a certain time...

@ HC: I think you make interesting and compelling points. I'm inclined to agree with you. But, if you take your story and apply it to the Christian doctrine, you would realize that those "rules" were given to a specific people at a specific time. Hence the whole Judaic period (with the Law of Moses). Christianity calls for us to recognize the Law; but ONLY as a prelude to WHY WE NEEDED JESUS. Jesus' death essentially lifted the curse of the death that came from not following the Law.

So to use your analogy, the stories that the tribal folks used in preparation for a tsunami was used SPECIFICALLY for a tsunami (even if they didn't know what it was). Those stories wouldn't help much if the islanders were -- let's say -- bombed by terrorists. In that case, they would probably rely on another story. In our case, we don't rely on our knowledge of the Law of Moses as a condition of our Christian walk. Rather, we cling to Jesus and His ministry. Hope that makes sense.

@ Monique: There is a method to my madness, I assure you. I don't want any answers to these questions; I already know the answers. I was only using questions like this rhetorically to get the attention of some people. It's a long story...

Thanks for your comments!

monique said...

do tell ;)

Andre said...

@ Monique: Alright 'Nique. Here's the Reader's Digest response: Without calling anyone out, I'm just trying to show some people that they should be less concerned about beating the ideas of 'right and wrong according to the Word' into people's heads and more time loving them for how they are. Yes, homosexuality is Biblically wrong, but love the gay person anyway. Yes, pre-marital sex is wrong, but love the culprit anyway. Yes, alcoholism and drug addicts are wrong. Love them anyway. Though we shouldn't condone sin (in any form), that's not to say that we can't still love the sinner. Especially when each of us are sinners...

Some folks I know are so Pharisaical that they forget how to love.

That's the point of this post. :)

monique said...

Gotcha! Some people give Christians a bad name. I totally see where you are going with this. Great job :)

ajbendaƱa said...

Intresting...

Do those people you directed this post to, read your blog. Thats probably a yes, so if so, Do you think that it reached them in a negative or positve way?

Andre said...

@ Monique: Well said! Like they say, great minds think alike. *scoots my chair a little closer to Monique's*

@ ajbendaƱa: You know Aldo, it's hard to tell how effective I'm being with trying to get my point across. I don't seem to do it well in person (too many emotions get flared up), so I try to let my blog do the dirty work.

My best friend always reminds me that it's not what I say that matters, but how I say it. It's all about the presentation. Even the most eloquent and articulate arguments (of which I don't claim to have) can turn ugly if the presentation is all wrong.

So, TO WHOM THIS MAY CONCERN, don't take any of this the wrong way. It's SERIOUSLY out of love!

Do you Really have to ask who it is? said...

You wrote this post a long tiiiime ago....it's the best post you ever wrote...in '94

Andre said...

Half of y'all voted for George Double-yoooo...

I meant to say George W. Smith, who ran for city council.

*Note to the other readers*: Sorry for the confusion, but this is an inside joke. This is the time of the day that my friend and I dedicate to being silly...

Diane said...

Hey, Andre, I GOT it! All those scripture references are from the Judaic Law. How blessed and SAVED we are that we are now under GRACE through the death, burial and resurrection of Jesus Christ and not the LAW that condemned all sinners.

If I had lived under the law and been a Jew, there would be dead animals ricked up like cord wood around my place because of having to constantly sacrifice for my sins.

Thank God for Grace.

Andre said...

Hey Lady Di! Where have been, young lady?! Off doing some more traveling, eh?

At any rate, you make a great point. Had it not been for Jesus coming to our rescue, we'd all have to gather around and get sprinkled with lamb's blood. I don't know about you, but I wouldn't be looking forward to the dry cleaning bills after we had our sins cleared...

Thanks for stopping by, as always!

green eyed girl on planet earth said...

My Greeneyed handsome man,

It is Friday night , hope your doing something fun this weekend and maybe find your 'EVE' haha take er easy and enjoy

Greeneyes

Andre said...

Hey Greeny:

My day was pretty much as to be expected. Not too adventurous. I mean, it's not like I've got a cabin to go to just to hang out...

>:-)

Have a safe weekend, my love...

green eyed girl on planet earth said...

Hi Andre~ My Gem
No cabin for me either this weekend(boo Hoo) to much work to be able to play , hey ,I guess I took a page from you HAHA ....
I am also :} that I have "my love" title back again , LOL Diane will be green with the envy tee hee
you take care of yourself Andre~ in that big city :}

Greeneyes

Andre said...

Greeny, oh greeny. You're such a character.

I think that's what I love about you...

green eyed girl on planet earth said...

My Gem
:0) You are such a sweetie ;}

Greeneyes

Andre said...

@ greeny: ...just so you won't have to be the last commenter. :)

Anonymous said...

...please where can I buy a unicorn?