Dealing with shame

I attended a funeral this weekend. For the record, I’ve never been a fan of funerals. Although they are not as sullen and depressing as one would think (especially not in a Black Baptist Church), I can still name a thousand and five places I’d rather be. But, if you think about it, funerals are also a pretty interesting part of life. This particular funeral was pretty memorable for me; but not for the reasons that one would suspect. Let me explain:

After the service, I ran into some brotha in the restroom. I didn’t know him, nor had I ever seen him. I couldn’t tell if he was with the family, a friend of the deceased, or just a simple acquaintance. In fact, I never even bothered to get his name. What I was more interested in were some of the things that he said. I don’t even recall how the conversation came up, but he mentioned to me that he used to be an avid ‘church goer’. But his presence today marked the first time he had been to church in over fifteen years. Fifteen years! When I asked him what kept him away for so long, he replied with five simple words: “Them hypocrites in the church.” (his language was a little broken, but I understood the gist of his statement). Now, I know that this shouldn’t be an excuse for his complete dismissal of the church, but I couldn’t help but to ask myself how often the toxic practices of the church destroy people’s connection with the body of Christ and shames them to the point of no return (Lliterally; to point where they don't return).

I have to admit something here: I can talk a mean game when I’m ranting about something. But when a situation like this pops up in my face, I have a difficult time finding the right words. But – in this instance – I simply told the man, “Look. Don’t throw your salvation away just because of a few close-minded, intolerant, and perhaps ignorant people. What people think about you will never dismiss the fact that God loves you.” I think that I caught him off guard when I made this statement, largely because I imagine that he was either trying to form an “Amen Corner” with me in it; or he was trying to size me up as one of “them hypocrites”. But, when I deflected the attention away from “hypocritical” church folks and onto God’s love, I think I shocked him, though I can’t say for sure what really happened. But, from that point, his tone mellowed significantly. He even told me that he was going to go back to church. Whether he does or not is anybody’s guess.

But, all things being equal, this situation represents some serious problems. Sadly, I think that this type of stuff happens much too often in the church. Too many people have been brought to shame, anger, and discontent by church folks who have attempted to convince the rest of the world how vile, evil and rotten they are. Paul was perhaps one of the greatest and most important followers of Christ in history. But, it took deep wounding and shame for him to get to that point. But, I think that it takes a certain level of hurt, shame, and suffering for us – like Paul – to really discover Jesus.

It might sound funny for me to say, but I have a serious issue with how we try to convince sinners of how bad they are and how much they need to be ‘changed’. We tell them that that they are terrible sinners who need to turn away from all of their wrong-doing before they are accepted by God. In a way, this type of holy practice is downright scary; and – frankly – not something that I think Jesus would do. I mean, if you think about it, the Gospel consists of all sorts of stories that tell of Jesus’ ministry of restoring sinners to the dignity and fullness of being His people; long before He called them out on the actual sin itself. Why can’t we do the same? Especially, since we all had to rely on God’s grace at one point or another to free us from the guilt, shame, and bondage that came with sin. Especially, since we are all still dirty Christians today. I’ve admitted it. How about you?

The truth of the matter is: I wouldn’t be all too surprised if many church folks suffer from shame themselves. I’m not trying to judge or even criticize anybody (though there are some people who I really have in mind right now), but I think it’s important to gain important perspective on our lifestyles before we criticize others. This idea applies to me, you, the man in the bathroom, the “hypocrites” he mentioned, etc. I suspect that if any given person were to open anybody else’s secret closest, what they’d find would be boxes with deep inner recesses of sin and shame. However, because of God’s unmatched grace, we have the chance to eliminate our shame and to change our views of others. Now, does this completely dismiss the sins we commit? Of course not. But, it does – at least – give us a greater perspective of God.

Simply put: if we go around telling people how dirty, sinful, and vile they are, that’s exactly how they’ll act. Don’t believe me? Well, look no further than our prison system. More often than not, people respond to others based on how they’re treated themselves. I dare you to treat that “sinner” like some who is loved by God and see how they act in response…

It’s sad to point out that much of our lifestyle in the church has more to do with control and judgment of others than with love, forgiveness, and acceptance. As I’ve said before, much of the significance of grace stems from God’s love, forgiveness, and acceptance of us, even when we were buried in our own shame. Even in the Garden, Adam’s shame led him to hide from God.

But, none of this dismissed the fact that we have a loving God who is always ready to heal, forgive and restore us. He’s waiting to take our lives our dirty, slimy, and sinful lives; and make them like new.

Can we do the same for others?

- ACL