Thursday, February 23, 2006

The Real Truth About Cats & Dogs

Earlier this week, one of my best friends asked me (along with a team of her fellow intellects) a simple question: "What "clues" do you (men) look for in a woman to tell whether or not she's interested? Do you believe that being persistent will win the girl over eventually?"

Since I've noticed that a hoard of bloggers have addressed this question, I'd like to share my response. I hope you've blocked out an hour of your day to read this one. It's pretty involved:

Even being a male, I have no problem admitting that we can be pretty unbridled when it comes to pursuing women. We hear a simple "hello" or receive 'the look', and we take off with it. Occasionally, we get lucky. But, more often than not, our pursuit backfires which, for sensitive men; creates room for hurt, disappointment, broken egos, etc. Other men, however, are too egotistical, proud, and narcissistic to accept rejection as the 'end all'. "If at first you don't succeed try, try again" is what they say. For many men, this philosophy resonates in their mind, even if the woman has shown that she is decidedly UNINTERESTED in him. So, to the end, some men are pretty indelible and...well, stupid when it comes to women. But, it's not all on the man...

I once saw a talk show (I wish I remember which one it was) where a guy met his future wife by calling a phone number he saw in a bathroom stall (you know, one of those "For a good time, call so-and-so..."lines). As a joke, he called her. Oddly, they wound up talking, eventually met, dated, and got married. There was another time (and WE'VE ALL heard stories like this) where a guy was interested in a woman, who totally dissed him. It was only because of his endless pursuit that he was finally able to "win" her.

Stories like those motivate men to continuing pushing even if things seem impossible. In fact, the more impossible and unlikely it seems to 'get the girl', the more captivated the man gets. The bigger the challenge, the greater the story will be that he gets to tell his children. Besides that, it doesn't really help the man's causes when society throws out terms like "The best things come to those who wait" or "She'll come around eventually". Stuff like that only provides men with MORE of a sense of foolishly idealistic hope. But, I'm not gonna blame all of this on men and society. Women play a pretty significant role in this whole thing, too. In fact, I actually blame a lot of this stuff on women folk...

**Moment of digression** I think that women are seductive and, often, manipulative creatures (I feel a good lashing coming on for what I'm about to say, but who cares?!). They use their looks, their smile, and their prowess to get stuff from men. This is an extremely powerful tool that only women seem to be able to wield effectively. There are a few men who can do this, but the number is HIGHLY disproportionate when you compare it to women. Women are able to bat an eyelash and get a guy to spend all sorts of money on her. They're able to pull out their 'ass-ets' and get men to fix flat tires, chase bats out of the house, and spend Saturday afternoons shoe shopping with them. With one whisper, they can turn a machismo, He-Man, beer guzzling, sports lover into a puppy dog who cries at movies, writes poetry , and buys expensive crap. I mean, why do you think women go through the trouble of painting their faces with makeup, waxing themselves, starving, squeezing their surgically enhanced breasts into little a*s bras, and buying weave? It's to equip them with what they need to control men.

Now that I've got that off my chest, let me get to my REAL point...

Women use their influence and the prowess all the time to get what they want. But, too often they don't use it enough to REPEL what they DON'T want. Sometimes, these two worlds collide. For example, how many times have you heard a woman talk about how somebody who she completely LOATHES just bought her some incredible gift? Even if the woman has NO INTENTION of EVER giving this guy a chance, they'll still gladly take advantage of his generous attempts to win her. This sends mixed messages to the man. The man will say, "You claim you don't want me, but you're accepting this necklace I bought you..." Now, to be fair, sometimes women are at least considerate enough to let the guy know -- in advance -- that they're not interested. Doing so forces the guy to sign an unofficial disclaimer stating that "She's already made it clear that she's not interested. Whatever you do for her is ON YOU!" But, even if the guy is stupid enough to still go after her, does it make it right for her to take advantage of it? At what point do we make exploitation acceptable?

Secondly...from personal experience...many women claim that they're not interested in certain men as mates, but they expect for those men to do things that are usually exclusive to couples. If we stop talking to certain women, stop giving them the attention that they crave, stop calling them so much, stop catering to their needs, and -- ultimately -- start avoiding them, then all hell is gonna break lose. You've "hurt their feelings, played with their emotions, dissed them, blah, blah, blah..." When we men decide not to be available at a woman's beckoned call, we're the ones who get vilified. Ironic, huh?!

So, my advice to you women who want to be absolved from overly-persistent men:

  1. Be as aggressive with turning down a man as you would be for trying to FIND a man. Simple rejections (i.e. "Thanks, but no thanks") just don't do it.
  2. Stop accepting stuff (romantic and sentimental gifts, especially) from men that you don't like...even if they INSIST on giving them to you.
  3. Stop expecting men to do things that are above and beyond the normal call of friendship. Simply put, don't expect men to respond to you as "more than a friend" if you're not willing to actually BE "more than a friend" to them.

There you have it: My take on why men are overly persistent with women.

If this doesn't motivate you to give back that two-carat diamond "friendship" ring, nothing will...


11 "Insiders" spoke their mind. Join in...:

Natasha said...

I'm not sure if your post was meant to be funny, but it had me laughing a lot!

I think your absolutely right as it relates to roles that men and women play with this whole dating/relationship thing.

Men can be tirelessly persistent and women can be manipulative and leading.

I love your insight!

ellena said...

While I don't really agree with you, I can appreciate the reasoning behind your argument. The truth is, we'll never truly know the opposite side (since we'll never be them), but that doesn't stop us from investigating.

cynthia said...

I ran into your blog while I was visiting someone elses. This was the first post I saw but I plan to check out the rest of it too.

But, from where I stand, I also disagree with your assessment. The simple fact is men don't listen. They don't listen to women or to reason.

When it comes to listening and comprehending, men are usually pretty compartmentalized. You guys can only concentrate on one thing at a time; and it's usually the WRONG thing (like trying to get in our panties before trying to get to know us). Why do you think it is that some men are WILLING to spend so much money on a lady who rejects him? It's because he's so driven by THAT ONE THING that he loses sight of the obvious.

When will men listen?!

Anonymous said...


Once men get past the egos and stubborness they have, women would be more likely to respond.

Andre said...

Thank you all for your comments.

Wow! I expected some flack for this one, but I would've NEVER thought that I'd get so much...and in one day at that!

I can't say that I'm suprised that most of the resposes to this post were from women; women who totally disagree with me.

But, let me remind you all that I'm not trying to make women out to be villians here. I'm simply saying that I believe that women are just as culpable for the proliferation of overly-persistent men as the over-persistent men themselves. Many women particpate in the man's persistance by accepting his gifts of affection even if they don't want anything to do with him. Sure, you have SOME guys who refuse to take ANY form as rejection, but you also have men who are willing to lick their wounds and move on.

Please don't take this as a diss, but I think it's wrong and irresponsible to group all men in the same category. I'll always believe that character and personality assessments should be based on an individual and never categorically.

Thanks again for your comments.


Anonymous said...

so, your telling me that if a guy that i hate is always giving me things i shouldnt take them? why cant i take advantage of someone elses stupidity? im not telling him to give me anything hes making the decision to. i cant control the actions of another person so all i can do is go along with it. what happened to individual responsibility?!

Andre said...

@ anonymous

I'm not saying that the're ANYTHING wrong with accepting gifts from men you don't like. I'm just saying that you can't do that sort of thing and expect for them to stop coming at you.

Look at it this way: when a guy gives you a gift, it's not just that particular item he's giving you. He's giving you an item that is a product of HIS money, HIS time, HIS thoughtfulness, etc...So, when you accept HIS gift, he's basically interpreting that as you accepting HIM. At that point, you're stuck. Nothing you say to him will make him understand your point. As long as you're accepting his stuff, he's going to keep coming after you.

My issue is not with women who don't mind taking stuff from men. It's when they're not willing to accept everything that comes along with accepting the gift; that I have the real issue.

Simply put, EVERYTHING has a price...even those "gifts" you take.

the good guy said...

This was a refreshing post. I'm so annoyed by women who exploit us. How can they complain that there aren't any good brothas left when all they do is take advantage of the good ones?

Andre said...

@ good guy

Thanks for you comments.

I agree that some women are confused with what they want (i.e. saying they want a "nice guy", but then take advantage of them), but I don't think you got the whole gist of my point. I'm not just faulting manipulative women here. I'm also calling out dumb a*s men who ALLOW themselves to get exploited. Being an exploited man myself, I think I'm in a position to identify when men allow themselves to get hurt (and get hurt TOO!).

The point of this post was not villify women or victimize men. I think that accountability goes two ways here.

Anonymous said...

even though i cant tell you whats in your head, im not seeing the "not villifying women" part of your post. it seems to me that the only thing your doing in this post is making women out to be the bad guy (or should i say the bad girl)

you go on for hours talking about the role that women play in exploitation but you dont talk about the mans responsibility. maybe if more men stood up and acted like men they wouldnt get stepped on.

Andre said...

I feel like I'm going around in circles here.

For the hundreth time, I'm NOT picking on women in this post. I'm picking on women...AND men!

Yes; some women are manipulative. Yes; some men are dumb as hell. When it comes to the roles they play, both men and women bear some responsibility.

But, if you go back to the original question, it asks men what "clues" they look for when deciding if a woman is interested. I simply stated that women who AGRESSIVELY assert themselves in rejecting men make their point FAR MORE effectively than women who sheepishly reject men (which, by the way, is often interpreted by men as teasing). Things only get worse if the woman accepts gifts of affection while claiming to not be interested.

I wouldn't say that I'm villifying women here. If anything, I'd say that I'm giving them advice, from a man's point of view. You can take it however you want...